Keith Koo Xingjian's Blog

Sorry, but this is another post about me and volleyball again.
Today, it is a sad day for me. All my hopes are kinda broken, and after all they might be just false hopes. I was sad, not because of the team losing. The main thing is that I find that no one has actually considered me at all.
After the match we went to mos burger to eat. On the bus back to woodlands, Alecs was so happy cause he finally proved that he was useful as he has got 5 points for the team. I was also quite happy for him, cause he finally proves to the coach that people he doesn't focus training on also have their uses. And while we were talking, I ask him that whether I have to chance to play in U19. And as expected, he said quite hard. Its ok for him to say that, cause I know maybe now I might not be good enuff for to play.
Here comes the main point. After the meal at mos burger, they started off discussing about who would play in the U19. They started off with those familiar names, all the way to asking the subset, Eugene to come back to the team to play libero. Even though knowing I wish to be libero, no one actually cared about it. In fact there were no signs of my name to mentioned. I was left out during trainings, not being considered into main 12 of IVP, and now not even U19.I really felt so transparent, so left out.
They were saying, when mus, elwin and alecs leaves, our team will be much more weaker, and I really wonder, if I leave, will anyone even bother? Will it affect anything at all? If someone from main team never turns up for training, they will ask about it, and I wonder again, will anyone even notice I am not there?
I have been always trying out my best, being very serious with trainings, and even train on my own during free time, but noting ever seems to change. I really wish to do something memorable in my poly days. I had never done anything that can make me feel memorable in the past, and I dun wish that this continues.I want others take note of me, not really find me important, just to take note of me. When I see everyone in the team gets to play today, I was so envy. Everyone gets to play, and they all their positions. What am I??? Where is my position?? I really dunnoe. Everyone have a position in the game, centre, setter, liboro, main spike. But where am I??
1 year ago in the orentation SLA fiesta, I chose volleyball as my IG. I came for trainings, doing all my trainings seriously, and see people from the same batch getting lesser and lesser. But 1 year have passed, and I still find that I am still on the spot, haven't move nearer toward the main team. I have nothing that I am better than others, not spiking, not setting. I even encourage others, and see them moving on. Wong has entered the main team, dai guan that joined later than me has also gone into the main team. But me? I am still sitting outside, very far from where I want to be.
Everyone in the team knows I want to be libero, and I even requested to coach to train me, but until now I dun see others to see me as one. I listen to their advice, and tries to improve, but maybe not doing it right, I am still where I used to be.
Someone asked me why am I so defensive sometimes when I speak. If you are a person being mocked since primary school,all the way till now, how would you feel? I was never being treated as important person. During Secondary school, I was always treated as the weakest reserve of my table tennis team. I was always mocked to be fat. I was always looked down. And now treated transparent. How can I be not defensive ?
Now what I can really do is just to continue to do the same things, hoping one day that I will be given a position, treated as a part of the team.